In the heat of the moment, a spank may give you a quick release and possibly stun your little one into submission. Most parents experience it at least occasionally. But nearly all experts agree: It's time to retire spanking for good. Spanking is not only ineffective, it's actually harmful to a child's physical, psychological and social development. Can a child grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted despite a few spankings?
I don't mean power, I mean authority. If you take that away without providing an alternative, the result could easily become children without boundaries. The purpose is to discuss gentle discipline and how to address issues or situations using gentle methods. Kathleen Wolf tried, unsuccessfully, to get spanking banned in Massachusetts in Spanking can be humiliating and demeaning to a child, chipping away at self-esteem and morale, and it can even affect your child-parent relationship. It I dont wany a spanking been that way for decades, here and Abducted schoolgirl tits movie. The bottom line: Aim to avoid spanking or hitting altogether, even on those really hard days. I kept quiet because:. MARTY vont know she deserves one.
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How come I have I dont wany a spanking lie over the pillows? At lunch, I steered Marcy away from the crowded cafeteria and toward a private bench under a tree. Usually, she'd dash into class, just ahead of the bell, and slam spankkng her desk. Constance] A woman these days Clex sex also have to tell a man that there are times when her bottom needs more than one good smack. Ddont was painful and I used to think to my self you stupid ass why did you do whatever it was that I had been caught doing. The tone changed as she listed my deceit. Maybe my wish will come true. It was oh so bad that I could not attend the S L spanking party. But I know the feeling. But she is a lovely and compassionate woman too… Good thing: they work in Michigan, so not that far away from you.! My last spanking 2 weeks ago was a long time fantasy.
When my son was very small, he would not sleep.
- I regularly receive great and insightful comments, and today I want to publish one of them in its own post.
- I know, I know, sounds a little weird to want a spanking, but not to a spanko.
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When my son was very small, he would not sleep. Many times in order to console him, I would put him in bed with my husband and me. I remember one night in particular I put him in bed with me and when he started to move around and whimper, I got very angry and gave him a slap on his diapered bottom. With the California State Legislature considering a ruling against spanking, I was prompted to take a closer look at the issue of corporal punishment.
One survey conducted by Public Agenda, a non-partisan think tank, found many parents are seeking alternative methods to spanking to get their children to behave. Only 34 percent surveyed said they have been successful at teaching their children self-control.
Doing so teaches children that the people who love them are the ones most likely to hurt them, that physical force is justified, and that violence is an acceptable way of solving problems. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents develop methods other than spanking in response to undesired behavior, adding:.
It also interferes with the development of trust, a sense of security, effective communication and the development of internal controls or self-discipline. Before a parent can stop spanking, they have to acknowledge that they may be striking out at their children because of their own frustrations. They may be having a terrible day and end up taking it out on a child. So when it comes to learning alternative forms of discipline, first and foremost, parents need to find ways to control their own anger.
Some steps towards accomplishing this include counting to ten, taking deep breaths, and walking away so you can buy time to figure out what to do next. Try not to discipline out of anger. Once you calm down, you can work on age-appropriate consequences. Adjusting your expectations — If you find yourself frequently frustrated, consider whether you are expecting too much from your child. Letting go of an issue — If the issue is not that important and the struggle is harming your relationship with your child, you can choose to let it go for a while.
Pick your battles! Discussing with your children ways to deal with a problem — Children are more cooperative when they have a say in setting the rules and coming up with solutions. Parents can learn about child development to understand normal child behavior and hone their communication skills. Harsh words and name calling during discipline, while not physically painful, can be just as harmful emotionally as spanking. Spanking is a quick, knee-jerk reaction, while thinking about discipline takes time and can be difficult.
But it is worth it: effective discipline encourages a healthy relationship between you and your child, which is what parents want and children need. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and there are no quick fixes. Fortunately, I took parenting classes and worked hard at developing healthier ways to raise my children. For more information about why not to using spanking as a discipline tool, check out the following books. Purchasing from Amazon. For information about what you can do as an alternative to spanking, preview or purchase the following books.
Facebook Linkedin. The Center for Parenting Education. A resource to help parents do the best job they can to raise their children. Recent Research and Expert Opinion One survey conducted by Public Agenda, a non-partisan think tank, found many parents are seeking alternative methods to spanking to get their children to behave. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents develop methods other than spanking in response to undesired behavior, adding: Spanking is harmful emotionally to both parent and child.
While stopping the behavior temporarily, it does not teach alternative behavior. Steps Parents can Take Before a parent can stop spanking, they have to acknowledge that they may be striking out at their children because of their own frustrations. Taking a break to help your child and you to calm down — You can revisit the issue when cooler heads prevail. The Parent's Corner. Search for:.
I am in my forties, and I dream of finding someone who would set up a standing appointment with me, for paddling. Serious bare bottom spankings with paddle, strap, belt, cane. Attractive Tube More importantly your boyfriend needs to know what his spanking you will do for HIM. I tried one more shot.
I dont wany a spanking. Experienced Husband wrote on why women want to get spanked:
I understand you and your desires. I hope you find a spanking husband or lover - whichever you prefer, one who bares your bottom and spanks you with your own hairbrush until you can't sit down - and then takes good care of you afterwards. Im a 53 yr old man and would love another man to spank me to tears.
I am a little older and would like to be spanked much more often. I have been spanked by both men and women. I do naughty thinks to get spanked. Serious bare bottom spankings with paddle, strap, belt, cane.
My last spanking 2 weeks ago was a long time fantasy. A man took me out to his wood shed and strapped me until I could not sit down Sore as I am I deserve to be spanked again right now. Goodness that sounds incredible wish I could have been part of that fantasy x. I have had those fantasies too, but not sure that I want to go through with it. Im kind of scared. Im 79yo and would sure like to try it. I can relate to this a little. When I was at school we used to get the cane.
It was painful and I used to think to my self you stupid ass why did you do whatever it was that I had been caught doing. Then I would get the cane and it would really hurt but then after there was this strange feeling of relief. I guess I developed a fetish or a yearning for pain. I tried to get my wife to spank, cane, whip me but she does not like the idea and it is not hard enough.
She has often said to me to go find someone to do this with. I understand your desire. To not be in control. To cry out. There is a freedom in a weird way. So sometimes. Just occasionally I will visit a "dominatrix" and they will tie me to a bed and cane or whip me.
I go through stages of fanaticising about it. Then when I am tied down and struggling with the pain I think I am a stupid messed up idiot. I contract with them to not stop no matter how much I beg or cry out. It is unbelievably painful and sometimes I have no idea how many lashes I will receive. I beg and cry and plead and the pain keeps coming. Then when it is over there is this clarity. A feeling of alertness. Like standing on the top of a mountain or the bow of a sailing boat with a cool fresh breeze on your face on a warm sunny day.
A feeling of achievement. At the same time its a love hate thing. I sometimes feel stupid and vow to myself never to do it again but time passes and I start thinking about it and eventually I pick up the phone and make a booking. Weird hey. I am not in anyway condoning non consensual activity of any sort. Just to be clear on that! So maybe we can meet up and I can spank you. I live in Australia but I travel.
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Confess Something. Random Confession. Like us? My stepdaughter caught me licking her Back in I was 14 years old, living Moms and aunts, have you ever Dad usually handles those spankings, though sometimes, Mom does it. Anyway, we get called into Dad's study, and he tells us that we did something wrong and that as much as he hates to, he has to punish us for own good and because he loves us. We talk about what we did that was wrong and why it was wrong and how we can correct it.
Then," Marcy gulped softly, "then, he calls us over and bares our bottoms. With the boys, pants and underpants come down. With us girls, he lifts our skirts and pulls down our panties. It's SO embarrassing - especially now that I h-have hair 'down there,' but Dad doesn't care. He always says that he used to diaper us, so that makes it okay. He says he likes to make a good first impression.
She considered for a moment. I think it works better. I mean, I'd rather be paddled than have to get a long lecture all the time. Our conversation turned to lighter stuff, but that night, I couldn't sleep very well.
I kept thinking about what Marcy said, ' The next couple of weeks were quiet. Then, Marcy's older cousin, Elinor, invited us to a youth group party a couple of counties over.
Elinor was in college and still acted 'fresh off the farm' when around the Cavenders. Around other kids, it was a whole different story. Anyway, she got their permission to take us to and from this party.
Marcy and I were actually going to be allowed to come home at eleven o'clock rather than Marcy's usual curfew of ten. The actual party was as dull as I thought it would be, with a lot of adults around.
Elinor acted as innocent as usual. Marcy knew a few people there, but I knew no one, so we hung out together and talked. The actual party lasted until eight-thirty.
But after the party, a bunch of people piled into a couple of cars, and headed for some guy's place. His parents were out of town, so he had quite a lot of people there - mostly his own age or older, though a few, like us, were younger. There was a lot of drinking going on, as well as a few joints and hash pipes and other stuff.
A lot of people were pairing off and doing a lot of kissing and groping. Some of the guys looked kind of big and scary and not too sober. Elinor abandoned us for some guy, flinging herself into his lap and kissing him. He grabbed her by the titties and she squealed. Marcy and I just looked at each other over our beers. Marcy waved Bill over. He reeled toward us with a silly, drunk grin on his face.
I remembered all of Mom's lectures about drugs and alcohol, and I had a bad feeling about riding home with Bill. But drunk as he was, he looked friendlier than some of these college guys. He grinned amiably, and placed a loose arm around Marcy and me.
You don't live too far from the Cavenders. But this'z a great party," he protested. If we don't, we're going to be in big trouble. He looked puzzled for a moment, then replied, "Oh yeah I gotta get home early, too. Marcy and I exchanged looks again, and I remembered what my father had always said about getting into the car with a drunk driver.
But it sure beat walking home, and besides, he wasn't THAT drunk, was he? I squeezed in between Bill and Marcy as our chauffeur coaxed its engine to life. Marcy shrieked and clutched my arm. I was too startled to even scream. Bill turned and grinned. It's just like one o'them rides at the State Fair! Then with a screech of tires, Bill shifted gears and zoomed up the highway. Marcy had her eyes tightly shut and was still gripping my arm like grim death.
I was dimly aware that sometime during our 'blast-off,' my beer had spilled into my lap, and I suspected Marcy's had done the same thing. Bill still had his, though, and was taking swigs between high-power turns, burping loudly every few gulps. Well, we could always tell Marcy's folks that some doofus had dumped beer on us at the party - it would even explain why we left early. Suddenly, there came a brilliant light behind us and the blare of a siren! Bill got out of the truck and grinned amiably at the officers, a man and a woman.
The two state troopers looked at each other with disbelieving expressions. The man relieved Bill of the beer can and said, "You've had a bit to drink tonight, son, haven't you. What's your name? Meanwhile, the woman approached Marcy and me. Can I see some identification? Marcy and I fumbled for our purses.
Marcy said, "She's staying with my folks. The lady trooper grinned. Hey Phil," she called to her partner, "this here is Isaac Cavender's daughter! The man, meanwhile, had been lecturing Bill. He turned, taking Bill by the arm, and ambled over to his partner. She read, "Shanna Foster-Bauer. She's staying with the Cavenders, according to Marcy, here. Where'd you get the beer? Marcy answered, "At the Osborn place.
Chuck Osborn's folks are out of town this weekend. Phil gave his prisoner a little shake and said, "William Dennis Keenan, when YOUR father sees you in this state and finds out you drove, with two passengers in the truck, you will learn the real meaning of 'trouble.
The male trooper smiled and said, "Under ordinary circumstances, we'd take you three back to Juvenile Hall, and your parents could pick you up in the morning. But seeing as how we know the Keenans and the Cavenders, I think we'll just escort you home and let them deal with you. And since Miss Foster-Bauer is staying with the Cavenders, she's their responsibility. The Cavenders were waiting up for us and were quite upset to see how we arrived.
Cavender invited us all in. Then the state troopers explained about the party, the alcohol and how Bill had been weaving all over the road when they'd pulled him over. Cavender fixed the nice state troopers some coffee, while Mr.
Cavender called Bill's father. Bill looked sick to his stomach and more than a little anxious about facing his father. Then the Cavenders made polite small talk with the state troopers for a few minutes, walked them with Bill to the door and said good night. You and your friend, Shanna, here, could have been maimed or killed in some kind of terrible accident, and I am just beside myself! Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble, and believe me, you are getting the spanking of your life!
Cavender was quieter, but just as angry and upset. A fire seemed to smoulder behind hid usually gentle eyes. After a dark look at his daughter, he turned to me and said, "I'm very disappointed in you, Shanna, and your parents will be when they learn of this. Go upstairs and move your things to a guest bedroom. Since you're not my daughter, I won't spank you as you deserve, but I AM going to put you and Marcy in separate rooms for the next week..
Marcy had already started crying; I felt close to tears myself. I slowly went upstairs to do as Mr. Cavender ordered. It didn't take me long. By the time I finished, Marcy and Mrs. Cavender were already in her bedroom, and Mr. Cavender had just finished climbing the stairs. He had a wooden paddle in his hand and his sleeve was rolled up.
I swallowed hard. As he turned to enter Marcy's bedroom, I said, "Wait - please! Can I talk to you a second, Mr. She's getting her little bottom paddled, and that's that. I had a brief glimpse of Marcy, lying face down on the bed, bottom already bare.
I scooted into my new room and lay down, wondering if I would have the courage to go through with my idea. I could hear Marcy cry out after each paddle whack. My tummy felt all fluttery, especially considering that if Mr. Cavender was willing, I'd soon be in the same position as Marcy. I can't tell you why I was suddenly so curious about getting a spanking, but it was all I could think of.
Now if this were MY parents, there would be lectures and scoldings, and maybe a trip to a therapist Would Mr. Cavender even DO it? After all, I wasn't his kid.
Marcy's paddling seemed to last forever, but finally I heard her door open and close. I heard quiet footsteps approaching my door, then a soft knock. Leave her be," whispered Mrs. They came in and sat down. Cavender, who was still holding that wood paddle, sat down on the corner of the bed while Mrs. Cavender took a nearby chair. My mouth suddenly felt dry and the butterflies in my tummy took wing.
I stammered a few moments while the Cavenders waited patiently. Cavender scooted closer to me and placed a paternal arm around my shoulders. Is everything all right? I j-j-j-just I mean It's like Cavender, leaving her chair and taking up a position on my left side. I'm just I don't know how to Cavender, who had followed my glance, "but Marcy's just fine.
She won't be sitting comfortably for a day or two, but considering what could have happened to the two of you, she's a lucky young lady, and so are you.
Cavender firmly. Just get to sleep, and we can talk more about this in the morning. He was going to leave, I thought - oh no! Impulsively, I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Maybe I deserve a spanking, too, Mr. He looked surprised and said, "I beg your pardon? What did you just say to me?
Cavender gave me a quizzical look and waited. I blushed and hung my head, unable to meet their eyes. They never hit me," I said. I've never been spanked - ever! Not for anything. Cavender gently. I'm here, staying with you, and it's like MY parents are a thousand miles away. And is it fair that Marcy gets spanked and I don't, when we did the same thing wrong? It was even MY idea to ride with Bill tonight. Cavender, reasonably, "when they find out? I mean, if you just tell 'em you punished me, they won't even ASK how Cavender in a frosty tone.
Cavender added, "you may rest assured that whatever we decide, your parents will be informed. Fully and completely. I must have waited half an hour, because the knock at the door woke me up. The Cavenders entered and sat on the bed again. Cavender spoke first. It was one thing to contemplate a maybe-spanking I gulped audibly.
My mouth felt all dry again, and I could feel myself starting to shake. Cavender said, "Flip over onto your tummy and pull down your pajama bottoms. Then put your hands up here, under your pillows. I obeyed and waited, feeling more scared than ever. Cavender placed a comforting hand on my back. Cavender said, "Do you understand why you're about to be punished, Shanna? I went somewhere I had no b-business being, and we didn't call you to pick us up.
We got into a car with someone who'd been drinking too much, which was dumb and dangerous. The first stroke took me by surprise, despite his announcement. I was too startled to even yell. It hurt like hell - much more than I'd expected. The second whack hit the other cheek, and I gasped in shock.
Troy DeArmitt - TroyScripts
Our resident advice-giver-outer Jenny True provides shouty, full-hearted answers to your niggling questions about pregnancy and parenthood in her column Dear Jenny. Warning: This is not a baby-and-me singalong, this is about yelling into the cosmos and actually hearing something back, sometimes in the form of an all-caps swear. To submit your questions to Jenny, email advice romper.
While I understand why we don't spank anymore, I definitely can see why my mom spanked us, and it was always a production. It wasn't like I would get spanked in the middle of Disneyland or in a public place. It was def a last-resort thing which I now understand as a parent of a strong-willed person. There were always so many tears shed both my brother and I and her! I am now really just realizing how hard that must've been for her. So: How do I scare my kid so that they listen, without then feeling like, Oh, crap, now I have to follow through!!!
You say "we don't spank anymore. At this current moment, spanking is not illegal in the U. The question that has dogged parents since the beginning of time is how to get our kids to do what we want them to do, for a variety of reasons — to stay safe, to stay healthy, to not embarrass us in Target, and to conform to our values.
Any expert who tells you she has the answer is trying to sell you a book. The jury is out, and it will stay out, on how to discipline kids. Well, as I said, most people in this country turn to spanking. And since most of us do it — and your name indicates you're considering doing it — I want to look at it closely before moving on to the issue of disciplining with fear. There's a lot of research on spanking out there. Most, though not all, draws the conclusion that spanking leads to negative outcomes in children mental health problems, decreased cognitive ability, increased aggression.
However, most of the research is flawed, for two reasons. One is that, as anti-spanking researchers regularly admit, causal relationships cannot be established with certainty. Nothing annoys me more than a lack of nuance. And you will find a lack of nuance everywhere you go when it comes to parenting advice, especially when it comes to moms. This inability to prove that spanking is the cause of certain negative outcomes led the Brookings Institution in to suggest that "the immediate focus of U.
The second problem with the research on spanking is that most studies don't differentiate among forms of, and the intensity and severity of, corporal punishment. For example, the U. Convention on the Rights of the Child in defined "corporal or physical punishment" as spanking, smacking, or slapping with the hand or with an implement a whip, stick, belt, shoe, wooden spoon, or similar ; kicking, shaking, or throwing children; scratching, pinching, biting, pulling hair, or boxing ears; forcing children to stay in uncomfortable positions; or burning, scalding, or forced ingestion washing a child's mouth out with soap or forcing them to swallow hot spices.
If I had to choose a physical punishment from that list, I would choose spanking with a hand, thank you very much, and I'm willing to bet most kids would, too. There has been some pushback against the research. An anti-spanking researcher praised her work as perhaps "the best single study available" He further admitted in the New York Times that researchers have looked at the same data and, depending on their biases — pro-spanking or anti-spanking — drawn different conclusions.
Not at all. And importantly I think , a writer for Psychology Today claimed that "research has identified mild spanking as a risk factor for more severe spanking.
As one parent I interviewed said, "Maybe you can spank without screwing up your kid. But it's really easy to mess up. Before we move on, is spanking at least effective?
Although some parents I interviewed said spanking had been effective for them, research does not support this , for short-term or long-term behavior changes. The reason providing the research is right may have to do with children's developmental stages.
Certainly it's crucial to understand that the prefrontal cortex, which controls among other things emotional regulation, reasoning, social skills, and, importantly, impulse control does not finish developing in the human brain until age This may explain why, in , a researcher published a small study in the Journal of Family Psychology that found that, within 10 minutes of a spanking, 73 percent of children had resumed the same behavior they'd just been punished for.
So in some cases, kids won't change their behavior no matter which discipline method you choose because they can't. Also, when spanking appears to be effective, it may be a bit of a trick. The Psychology Today writer suggested that "children are most often spanked for extreme 'out of line' behaviors, from which they would regress back to normal even without the spanking.
Well, Don't Wanna Spank, you mentioned using fear, and while we're at it I'm just going to throw in the use of shame. Here's what I think: The picture you painted of your mother, your brother, and you crying as your mother yelled sounds like an out-of-control situation. It also sounds like it had more to do with your mother's frustration than discipline.
Negative reinforcement — the use of fear, shame, and, yes, spanking — can create problems. Because people are going to do what they want to do, and making children feel afraid or ashamed — or physically hurting them — for behavior that may be out of their capacity to control teaches lessons you may not intend. For example, fear and shame break down trust, and if your kid doesn't trust you, you're going to end up with a host of problems you didn't anticipate, the least of which is honest communication.
He had no idea why Mommy suddenly turned into a monster — and more importantly, my reaction was all about my frustration and had no effect on whatever he'd done if anything! Also, as far as simply raising my voice in front of him say, at my husband! Just for example! Positive reinforcement uses a different set of tools. It engages children with compassion, respect, and, many times, games to teach alternatives to the behavior you don't want.
Does it work? But at the least, you don't end up with the potential for negative outcomes. There's advice out there on teaching everything from sharing and acting respectfully whatever that means to you to not biting or running into the street. For any of this to work, it's important to understand which developmental stage your child is going through — and, Don't Wanna Spank, a toddler simply does not have the brain function or life experience you do and should not be expected to behave beyond what she's capable of.
Also, without compassion for and understanding about her experience, you are definitely going to lose your shit — especially since your mother did with you. Whatever you decide, Don't Wanna Spank, I would try everything available to you instead of using spanking, fear, or shame and definitely not use them in combination.
Because one thing we do know — and LOTS of good research backs this up — is that children learn by modeling , so we're always teaching them, whether we're conscious of having a teaching moment or not. So when it comes to teaching your kids how to be in the world, think about what you want them to do — and do that. And the things you don't want them to do? Don't do them. By Jenny True. So, au contraire, Don't Wanna Spank.
We are a nation of spankers.